How
to Talk to Your Children
About War and Other Horrific Events…
September 11, 2001 – or 9-1-1 as many were quick to point
out – will indeed go down in history as another day in infamy.
The difference is that we saw it all unfold in front of us; we
watched in horror as that second commercial airliner slammed
into the World Trade Center; and we watched the ultimate icon
of our military strength go up in flames, sending plumes of
smoke throughout our capital city. The images on television
were far worse than any conjured up by Hollywood, and
Americans of all ages watched them. For people on the scene
who saw the carnage first-hand, the sights and sounds will
haunt their thoughts and dreams for a lifetime. Young children
may not be able to distinguish between their interactive video
games where buildings are blown up and “characters” are
killed, only to return and play again another day. But as the
coverage goes on, they tune into their parents anguish, and
the fear creeps insidiously into yet another generation…
As parents, we have to be prepared to discuss the news and
tragic current events with our children, however unpleasant
this may be. We have the responsibility to get through to our
youngsters that while a national emergency affects each and
every one of us, measures are in place to protect us, and in
every way possible to reassure them that they are out of
harm’s way.
Here are some suggestions that may be helpful:
1. It is important for parents to answer all the questions
raised by their youngsters, to treat each question with
seriousness and respect, and to phrase the answers in an
age-appropriate way. A six-year-old child may not understand
global conflict, but they most certainly do understand the
consequences of someone taking what doesn’t belong to them.
They might comprehend the need for the person’s friends to
help get their belongings returned to them, and that the
wrongdoer would deserve to be punished. Talk openly with your
children and encourage them to express their fears and
opinions. Reassure them without diminishing the problem.
2. Young children are most concerned about their own safety,
and fear is an emotion learned quite early. Children are also
sensitive to the emotions and anxiety of their parents; even
infants can sense that there is something wrong. This is a
time for parents to keep strong emotions in check, and to
devote undivided attention to youngsters who may be growing
increasingly afraid. They need to be reassured that no matter
what happens, they will be cared for. Surprise attacks are
especially unsettling, and while it is impossible to predict
or prevent them, parents should find some method to put such
attacks in perspective. Fortunately, they have not occurred on
our shores before now, and this crisis will most surely prompt
heightened security in the future. Youngsters might find it
comforting to know that more people will be looking out for
their safety.
3. Most of us are comforted by a daily routine or schedule,
and children are no different. Where ever possible, stick to
normal routines and activities. Parents may find little to
laugh about, but humor can go a long way toward bringing
things back to normal for a young child.
4. Try to limit TV news viewing for when very young children
are removed from the explicit images of fire and destruction.
Turn off the set for family time, and return to the news
programming after youngsters are in bed.
5. Older children may also need reassurance. They may have
more specific questions about death and dying, and the loss of
human life they have seen on TV. They may have concern about
people they know who may be in the emergency areas, or concern
about a family member who is away from home. Families in
which there are emergency workers – firefighters, law
enforcement, and EMS personnel – may have an especially
difficult time in dealing with the crisis, when so many lives
were lost among these professions. It will be natural for
youngsters to be alarmed when their relatives go to work in
these fields. Older kids need the comfort of their routines,
as well, so try to keep them focused on homework and other
familiar chores.
6. Older teens have their own set of anxieties when nations
talk of war. Will they have to fight or enlist…will their
parents have to do so? What about other people they know and
love? Who will go to war, and who might not come home? These
are difficult questions, but ones which should be discussed
calmly and rationally. Parents should also be careful not to
demonize the enemy…long term prejudices can be instilled by a
careless, angry remark.
7. Watch your children for signs of stress or anxiety…nail
biting, thumb sucking, rocking, a return to earlier fears (of
the dark, sleeping alone, of strange sounds or sirens), or
regressions in behavior (bed wetting, separation anxiety).
Some of these behaviors can stretch already frayed nerves, and
call for large doses of patience by all concerned. Be alert to
nightmares and other sleep and eating changes. For families
already experiencing difficulties (divorce or illness, for
example) youngsters may require some extra personal attention
and comforting. Children will take the lead from their
parent’s behavior and attitude. The more in control adults
appear to be, the more confident children will be that things
will ultimately turn out all right. Children are amazing
resilient; they bounce back from situations that appear to be
devastating at the time. If problems linger, however, parents
should be alert to warning signals and be prepared to seek
professional help for all members of the family as
appropriate. Hugs and affection, however, certainly come under
the heading of appropriate behavior in times of emergency, so
be generous with yours…
